utter rambling

Christmas is less than a week away. 6 days to be exact. Ugh. I am so excited to see the excitement my kids will have and how happy they will be. To share good meals with my family. But there is just so much going on. As soon as I think yep. Finally a day to sleep in..or catch up. I fall further and further behind. I literally sit here surrounded by utter chaos. A house filled with toys everywhere, baking goodies absolutely scattered, christmas presents overflowing my bedroom, a sick kid and a stack of decisions. We have a guy coming to appraise the house Thursday...and it literally looks like a tornado struck it. I am doing everything I cam to make it believable..that I have it all together. But maybe I don't need it all together. After all. Would I change anything if I could....absolutely not.

New year resolution

It's almost a new year. Time to reflect. Time to look forward. Last year sitting here my mind was full and my heart was heavy. I had a brand new baby with a terrifying condition. I had a job that I loved but hated. It was a double edged sword. I had lost my church family. I was I overwhelmed..and just didn't know what to do. So I turned to God. Where I should have been all along. Why do I always wait until I get myself into this predicament? Why is it all too often I try to solve my problems myself..instead of going where I should? God has proven himself to me..even though he didn't have to prove anything to me. I prayed last year for God to answer these burdens....and he did. Hawkin had surgery shortly after new years to get tubes for his ears. We met an amazing specialist who gave us info, listened to our worries and helped us. Coping with Laryngomalacia came into our lives..which was an absolute God sent to me. Other moms who know exactly how I felt. Who understood how it felt ti lay your baby down and watch him stop breathing. Who were there. Who listened. Who were always there with love and support. God sent them to me. Because he knew I would need them to get thru. As Hawkin got better, my job got progressively worst. God gave me the courage to take the biggest leap of my life. I started my own business. Once again, He has proved himself to me. I absolutely love love love this job. I've never been this happy..ever. God gave me the strength to believe and trust that he will provide. I am so very blessed. I've prayed and prayed for a church family that would fit myself and my family. A big challenge. But He is a big God. Once I was ready.. I walked into the most amazing church. That I couldn't love more. I makes me so very thankful. There was a time in my life where God was the first thing I turned to. Im ashamed to say..I've let that get away from me at times. It doesn't mean I love God less. It means I messed up. Thankfully I know a kind and forgiving father. So this new year..my resolution isn't to lose weight (that would ne nice though) or to save money (also nice) but to I will make a resolution to always always put God as my first choice.first to ask. First to thank. Where He should have been all along.

Almost one

As I sit here, finishing gift tags for Hawkins party favors, I can't believe he's almost one. It went by so fast. I feel like I've wished it away in so many ways. Last year at this time I had no idea of the struggles he would have to face. The struggles I would have to face. Laryngomalacia wasn't even a word to me. I had no clue what it meant or there was even such a thing. Oh how times have changed. It has spun my world around..flipped me over...and back around. But this sweet beautiful amazing baby boy...is INCREDIBLE. Absolutely amazing. He is my hero. He reminds me every day to be grateful for every single breath, because he taught me that they are blessings. But a year ago, I had no idea I could love someone as much as I love Kaylee.but I do.. I didn't know I would serch high and low to do anything I could to fix him. A year ago I couldn't imagine what it was going to be like with another baby. Now I can't remember my life without him. He hasmade me complete. I am now whole. My cup runneth over. He's grown into such a big boy. It doesn't seem that long ago, the kid that loves poptarts and veggie puffs, couldn't even hold down a ounce of formula. The kid that couldn't cry too hard or lay flat because he would stop breathing, now rolls on the floor while laughing as hard as he can. The kid who rarely got out of his Moby wrap or off his mommas chest, now rarely wants to be cuddled. He is hilarious and smart and mischievous. I could not love that kid anymore if I tried. I can't believe he's going to be a year old. In so many ways it seems like yesterday and its flown by. But we have been thru so much. He has overcame so many challenges and struggles, it often times seems likdoo much longer than just a year. He has overcome the odds its amazing. From his umbilical cord being tied in a knot, coming almost a month early, a floppy larynx and a overbearing, overly worried, helicopter mommy, he's my miracle, floppy larynx and all. I am so blessed that God picked me to be his mom. <3

All things must come to a end...

Daycare. We have a love hate relationship. I loved it but hated it at the same time. I've spent the last ten years of my life there. Ten years...thats a long time. I have made countless ..countless friends (and enemies) there. I was pregnant with Kaylee and Hawkin there. Kaylee practically lived there until she went to school. Hawk rolled over, sat up, and crawled there. I've heard incredible stories, from parents sex lives to them smoking weed. I can't ever remember a day that I didn't laugh when I was there. There were the bad days too...when I heard to horror stories or saw bruises...those were not fun days. But I learned early on there the parent that I wanted to be...and more importantly the kind I didn't. I know for a fact..I'll never pick my kids up drunk or high. I know for a fact I will never harm my kid in any way. I hope and pray that Im never a parent that's too busy on the phone or in my own thoughts to stop and hug and kiss my kid goodbye..or say hi..how was your day...or forget to say I love you. Daycare will always have a place in my heart. A huge part of my life has been spent there and I want to say thanks to all my friends I've met along the way...there's too any to even name and for all the parents for letting me have a little piece of your kiddo...it's been a absolute pleasure. All my love ;)

Time

This past week I was on vacation. I didn't realize how badly I needed time away. Since I've had Hawkin I feel like I've been on a tilt-a-whirl of emotions and stress and pure exhaustion. I realized how stressed and crazy I had become when towards the end of the trip we went to whattaburger and I laughed the whole time. Josh said I havent heard you laugh like that in a long time. And he was right. It had been to long. I've let the worry, the stress, the husslewhole and bussle,life in general get to me...the better of me.
But not anymore. Im ready for a change. Im ready to be me again. Not overworked, over scheduled, exhausted me. But a got it under control, chilled out, happy me. Im not sure exactly how to make it happen but I have a few good ideas of where to start.

A Awesome Weekend and special birthday :)

This past weekend was perfect! Kaylee had a tournament in little rock friday night and she hit the ball every time!! She also scored a run! I was so proud of her! She rocked it! Saturday Josh let me sleep in!!! Yay!!! Man I needed it! When I got up and around I cleaned the house up while Josh worked in the yard. That night I went w my bff amber for a much needed girls night! We had fun! Sunday was my neices birthday party. She turned a year old! Wow! It was a special special day to me! All of sadies birthdays will remind me of the day she was born...its a day that ill forever hold in my heart. I was my sisters labor coach and watched Sadie be brought into the world. The aren't even words to explain that experience...beautiful, incredible, a miracle for starters. I had a c-section with both my kids and things are pretty fuzzy. But watching Ashley bring this tiny precious angel into the world will always be one of my very favorite memories. I am so thankful that she let me be there with her...she probably doesn't even realize how much. Ashley and I don't always see eye to eye or agree, and we fight like sisters do...but she's the one person that knows exactly what I've been thru because she was there too. There's somethings in life I wish I could change, I feel like I've failed my sister alot, I hope that she knows how much I do love her though. It was a good weekend...I laughed alot, smiled alot...sometimes that's the greatest thing ever <3

Busy as a Bee

Ahhh, so I apparently suck at blogging lol ugh...the past few days have been INSANITY!! Its been so busy! Friday Hawk had a swallow study and a ENT appointment at Childrens. There was a really bad wreck right in front of our house that spilled 15,000 gallons of gas. It was such a mess and we were almost late for our appointment. We finally made it and just in time! We had to wait quite a while which was difficult bc Hawk couldn't eat until the test, so needless to say he was not happy! They said that he has the possibility of aspiranting but it was mostly just penetrating. That's not great but better than what we orginally thought. Dr Bauer, our ENT ( who us incredible BTW) gave us great news and said we could go off the nascort at the end of March! Also if everything goes well, we should be able to wean him off the thicker by the end of the summer!!! I will be glad for that day to arrive! On our way home the traffic was still backed up and it took us THREE hours to get home! As soon as we got home we turned around and headed to Missouri for the weekend. We had a wonderful trio to farmville and visit w joshs family. We for to get to spend time w Taylor and her boyfriend Ryan. It was awesome. I wish we all lived closer, I miss them a lot and I know josh does. As soon as we got back I took kaylee to the dentist on Monday. She is getting her 6 year old molars and permant front teeth. The dentist said that it is really painful but she will be fine. Today we had our first softball practice. It went really well. It's been so busy and I'm not seeing a end I. Sight. Maybe I should clone myself lol but I am determined to blog!!!!!

I am so excited to be blogging!! I feel like I'm finally catching up with time! I wanna give yall a overview of my family and
Let you know all about me!!

I have a 5 year old (almost 6) named Kaylee. She is the reason I am a softball mom! Kaylee is a super sweet kid but you NEVER know what's gonna come out of her mouth! She keeps me on my toes and love in my heart! She always knows when her momma needs a hug and kiss! She is a girly girl who loves having her nails done, her hair in a pouf or big bow, and has to match! She plays coach pitch softball and is in girl scouts. She loves to make elaborate crafts and pictures, she's quite the lil artist! Her newest thing is writing, she loves to spell words and write stories...were still mastering those skills lol but she does really really well!!

Hawkin is almost 4 months old. Wow, 4 months already...time really is flying by. Yet in one way its been a really long 4 months.....probably because I've been awake for most of the time lol. Hawk was diagnosed with Larngomalacia around 6 weeks old. It means he has a floppy airway. It causes him to always sound like he is really stuffy. He gets choked a lot on his food and sometimes stops breathing. We have to thicken all his formula and he's on several meds. It also causes him severe reflux and colic. He will outgrow it hopefully before he's one. We recently saw a specialist at Arkansas Children's Hospital who started him on a new med that has helped him lots! We have our good days and our bad ones but thankfully he's had a lot of good days lately. He is truely my miracle and is such a happy baby considering all he's been thru. He has his momma wrapped and he knows it!!

Josh and I have been together for 9 years! Holy crapballs! 9 years! He works at a print shop in little rock and coaches kaylees softball team. He is a workacolic! He's is such a good dad....I could not imagine raising our kids with anyone better. God made him for me! He always makes me laugh and is my very best friend...I think those two things are most important. If you want it to work...you have to laugh and tell secrets.

I am busy! I try as hard as I can to be super mom! I love my little family more than I ever knew it was possible to love. I like to cook and bake, read, clean, go to the park, going to the movies, shop, and to go dancing! The last one I don't get to do often but its my favorite! I am pretty much your average softball mom! But now you'll be able to hear all my confessions :)