A Bio for Hawkin for the LM page ;)

Meet Hawkin Ellis. He surprised his mommy and daddy by coming almost a month early! He was dx with reflux hours after he was born and had changed formulas twice before even leaving the hospital. Once we were home, it was obvious something was very wrong with our perfect tiny baby boy. After several, and when I say several, I mean almost everyday we went to the doctors office where I insisted there was something wrong. We heard it was his nose was too small because he was early, allergies, and that I worried too much. Finally at his 6 week! Checkup our pediatrician muttered under her breath..larynogomalcia. When I questioned her ab it, she said she would have to research it and make a few calls and would call me back that evening. So I drove home..crying my eyes out and absolutely terrified. As soon as I got home I googled...and googled. Finally found CWL. A absolute God sent. Our pediatrician did call us back that evening and we had our 1st appt with a doctor at Arkansas Children Hospital. 3 days later we saw him. Hawkin has a scope and we were officially dx w moderate LM. He set up a swallow study and told is to wait. Hopefully he would out grow it. Such a unfair prescription...just wait..and pray. He had severe reflux and had tubes in his ears when he was barely 4 months old. He would aspirate his food and had to have thickner in every feeding. He is now 15 months old. And amazing. We are still fighting the food battle. He is allergic to milk and soy. So we are working on that. But he is perfect. He is a fighter. He is his mamas hero.

My love

My husband is probably my favorite person on the planet. We have such a amazing relationship and dynamic. Was it always this way...no..absolutely not. Its hard marriage is hard. But we make it work. Something we are constantly working on is our parenting. Being a parent is the hardest job ever...like seriously...it's constant..never ending...but the best thing you've ever done. Josh is a amazing dad. Does he mess up..yes. but so do I. But even though he might not always make the same choice I would he is still amazing. Our kids run and jump in his arms when he gets home. He sacrifices for us so much..he works constantly sometimes 16+17 hour days. I had less than a great dad to say the least. Kaylee will always know how much he adores her. That she is amazing to him. He teaches her how a husband is suppose to be. He will teach Hawkin the same when the time comes. He is constantly trying to be a better dad and I don't tell him enough how awesome he is. We have been together 10 years next week...wow. it doesn't seem that long ago. Josh has been there for me thru so many things it's insane. He is the first and only man that has ever proven his love to me. He believes in me. He has never left me or doubted me even when I thought he would. He has stayed thru things that other men would say are deal breakers. He holds me when I have nightmares. Comforts me when I cry. Gives me my way when I pout. Believes in me when I don't believe in myself. Calms my fears. Makes me laugh daily. Waited patiently ten years for me to marry him. He is my rock. My constant. My heart.

utter rambling

Christmas is less than a week away. 6 days to be exact. Ugh. I am so excited to see the excitement my kids will have and how happy they will be. To share good meals with my family. But there is just so much going on. As soon as I think yep. Finally a day to sleep in..or catch up. I fall further and further behind. I literally sit here surrounded by utter chaos. A house filled with toys everywhere, baking goodies absolutely scattered, christmas presents overflowing my bedroom, a sick kid and a stack of decisions. We have a guy coming to appraise the house Thursday...and it literally looks like a tornado struck it. I am doing everything I cam to make it believable..that I have it all together. But maybe I don't need it all together. After all. Would I change anything if I could....absolutely not.

New year resolution

It's almost a new year. Time to reflect. Time to look forward. Last year sitting here my mind was full and my heart was heavy. I had a brand new baby with a terrifying condition. I had a job that I loved but hated. It was a double edged sword. I had lost my church family. I was I overwhelmed..and just didn't know what to do. So I turned to God. Where I should have been all along. Why do I always wait until I get myself into this predicament? Why is it all too often I try to solve my problems myself..instead of going where I should? God has proven himself to me..even though he didn't have to prove anything to me. I prayed last year for God to answer these burdens....and he did. Hawkin had surgery shortly after new years to get tubes for his ears. We met an amazing specialist who gave us info, listened to our worries and helped us. Coping with Laryngomalacia came into our lives..which was an absolute God sent to me. Other moms who know exactly how I felt. Who understood how it felt ti lay your baby down and watch him stop breathing. Who were there. Who listened. Who were always there with love and support. God sent them to me. Because he knew I would need them to get thru. As Hawkin got better, my job got progressively worst. God gave me the courage to take the biggest leap of my life. I started my own business. Once again, He has proved himself to me. I absolutely love love love this job. I've never been this happy..ever. God gave me the strength to believe and trust that he will provide. I am so very blessed. I've prayed and prayed for a church family that would fit myself and my family. A big challenge. But He is a big God. Once I was ready.. I walked into the most amazing church. That I couldn't love more. I makes me so very thankful. There was a time in my life where God was the first thing I turned to. Im ashamed to say..I've let that get away from me at times. It doesn't mean I love God less. It means I messed up. Thankfully I know a kind and forgiving father. So this new year..my resolution isn't to lose weight (that would ne nice though) or to save money (also nice) but to I will make a resolution to always always put God as my first choice.first to ask. First to thank. Where He should have been all along.

Almost one

As I sit here, finishing gift tags for Hawkins party favors, I can't believe he's almost one. It went by so fast. I feel like I've wished it away in so many ways. Last year at this time I had no idea of the struggles he would have to face. The struggles I would have to face. Laryngomalacia wasn't even a word to me. I had no clue what it meant or there was even such a thing. Oh how times have changed. It has spun my world around..flipped me over...and back around. But this sweet beautiful amazing baby boy...is INCREDIBLE. Absolutely amazing. He is my hero. He reminds me every day to be grateful for every single breath, because he taught me that they are blessings. But a year ago, I had no idea I could love someone as much as I love Kaylee.but I do.. I didn't know I would serch high and low to do anything I could to fix him. A year ago I couldn't imagine what it was going to be like with another baby. Now I can't remember my life without him. He hasmade me complete. I am now whole. My cup runneth over. He's grown into such a big boy. It doesn't seem that long ago, the kid that loves poptarts and veggie puffs, couldn't even hold down a ounce of formula. The kid that couldn't cry too hard or lay flat because he would stop breathing, now rolls on the floor while laughing as hard as he can. The kid who rarely got out of his Moby wrap or off his mommas chest, now rarely wants to be cuddled. He is hilarious and smart and mischievous. I could not love that kid anymore if I tried. I can't believe he's going to be a year old. In so many ways it seems like yesterday and its flown by. But we have been thru so much. He has overcame so many challenges and struggles, it often times seems likdoo much longer than just a year. He has overcome the odds its amazing. From his umbilical cord being tied in a knot, coming almost a month early, a floppy larynx and a overbearing, overly worried, helicopter mommy, he's my miracle, floppy larynx and all. I am so blessed that God picked me to be his mom. <3

All things must come to a end...

Daycare. We have a love hate relationship. I loved it but hated it at the same time. I've spent the last ten years of my life there. Ten years...thats a long time. I have made countless ..countless friends (and enemies) there. I was pregnant with Kaylee and Hawkin there. Kaylee practically lived there until she went to school. Hawk rolled over, sat up, and crawled there. I've heard incredible stories, from parents sex lives to them smoking weed. I can't ever remember a day that I didn't laugh when I was there. There were the bad days too...when I heard to horror stories or saw bruises...those were not fun days. But I learned early on there the parent that I wanted to be...and more importantly the kind I didn't. I know for a fact..I'll never pick my kids up drunk or high. I know for a fact I will never harm my kid in any way. I hope and pray that Im never a parent that's too busy on the phone or in my own thoughts to stop and hug and kiss my kid goodbye..or say hi..how was your day...or forget to say I love you. Daycare will always have a place in my heart. A huge part of my life has been spent there and I want to say thanks to all my friends I've met along the way...there's too any to even name and for all the parents for letting me have a little piece of your kiddo...it's been a absolute pleasure. All my love ;)

Time

This past week I was on vacation. I didn't realize how badly I needed time away. Since I've had Hawkin I feel like I've been on a tilt-a-whirl of emotions and stress and pure exhaustion. I realized how stressed and crazy I had become when towards the end of the trip we went to whattaburger and I laughed the whole time. Josh said I havent heard you laugh like that in a long time. And he was right. It had been to long. I've let the worry, the stress, the husslewhole and bussle,life in general get to me...the better of me.
But not anymore. Im ready for a change. Im ready to be me again. Not overworked, over scheduled, exhausted me. But a got it under control, chilled out, happy me. Im not sure exactly how to make it happen but I have a few good ideas of where to start.