Lots of mommy thoughts

Earlier this week my thoughts had been consumed with how many things I had left to do before the holiday, how many gifts each kid had, holiday parties and Christmas cards. I had a lot on my plate as usual with outgiving too much thought to anything else outside my little world. Funny how that can all change in a matter of mintues. When the news started coming in about the shooting in Connecticut, my heart started pounding. First because MY BABY was in an elementary school, miles down the road from me. Someone else was watching her, protecting her. This could’ve been her. Then the pictures started coming in. Of the moms. Of the dads. Waiting to know if their baby was going to be alright. If it was their baby that was dead. And my heart broke for them. Literally broke for them. Each one of them had probably kissed them goodbye, tucked them in the night before, counted the days till Santa, and moved the silly elf on the shelf for quick giggles before school. There just aren’t even words. My mind quickly darted from silly holiday worries to: Do my kids know just how much I adore them? Do they know that they are the best part of me or Josh? That they are literally my heart walking outside my body? Do they know? And then my mind also goes to the true meaning of this Christmas season…Jesus. How must have Mary felt? To watch her baby be slain on the cross? The faith she had to have. The torment it must have been for her. For Jesus, her baby, that was from her womb. To die for not only her sins but mine as well. Somehow I always seem to get Christmas wrong. I get caught up in the worldly things and don’t put enough focus on the really important things. This Christmas, my kids will get there gifts, but they won’t be rushed or hurried along. They will get more hugs than ever before; they will know more than ever that their mama loves them. And they will be reminded that Christmas isn’t about presents or Santa or even friends and family. Christmas is celebrating our risen King. He will be returning and oh what a glorious day that will be.

Exactly two years ago

Exactly two years ago...I was being prepped for surgery. Exactly two years ago I was terrified and excited and overwelmed. I was nervous and anxious and praying harder than I have ever prayed that everything would be alright. And it was more than alright. On October 29th, 2010 at 12:06 a.m. God blessed me with a absolutely perfect tiny 5 lb 11 oz baby boy. I will never forget, i was in recovery waking from the anesthesia and i heard him crying. Well. Actually not crying...more like losing his mind screaming. They had tried everything and couldn't get him to stop. Josh brought him over to me and layed him on my chest and Hawkin looked in my eyes and automatically stopped at the sound of my voice. Overwhelming love....that doesn't even begin to cover it. The past two years..there just arent even words. My heart is now whole with that boy. Two years ago I prayed for everything to be alright. And I got more than alright. I got 4 week early, floppy larynx, cranky, short tempered, perfect, incredible, beautiful baby boy that I just could not love any more if I tried. Two years ago. My heart was made complete.

2nd b'day thoughts...

There are some things in life that are unexplainable. Unexpected. Undeniable. The day you have a baby..the love you feel is all the above. It is the most insane crazy love. Love that I can't even begin to explain. My kids are the only ones that have ever felt my heart beat. And i feel they are my heart walking outside my body. It's crazy that God has given us such a gift. To make children. Its breath taking and amazing. I can't even begin to believe that Hawkin is fixing to turn two. That boy has his mama wrapped around his little chubby fingers. No doubt. I won't even try to defend it. :) Kaylee has always been super independent. Always wanted to do it her way and all by herself. Hawkin is not so much that way. He stays close by my side all day and likes to be reassured that I will be there all day. He is so funny and his personality is so so crazy. He knows how to talk but rarely choses to do so. He loves to dance and hop and jump. Trains are his very very favorite! Most of the time he'll request to watch the "choo-choo trains" on t.v. or our phones. He loves animals and Rolo our guinea pig is his favorite. His favorite food is popcorn, fish sticks, and strawberry almond milk. He loves to read books and play with his sissy. Hawkin is such a amazing kid. There is really no other word to describe it other than he is my heart outside my body. It seem like yesterday I was wondering what he would look like and how he would be and that's been two years ago. Almost 730 days ago. He has taught me so much in those days..how quick I can run to catch him from jumping off his sisters top bunk, how hard I can laugh at the silliest things he does, how many doctors I'll be mean to so i'll get results, how hard I'll pray for strength just to get thru, how MUCH I can love two people, and how insanely grateful I am that God picked Me to be his mama. He is my miracle and I love him more than I can ever describe. Happy 2nd birthday buddy! Mommy <3's you to the moon and back.

As a mama..I worry. ALOT. I pray ALOT that im doing the right thing, saying the right things, being soft enough, hard enough, mommy enough..the list could go on and on. My biggest fear is that I don't teach my kids about our Lord and Savior. (Sidenote:if you wanna kw more please feel free to hmu :))) I have really really worried ab it and that I wont get my point across. A few weeks ago, Kaylee started asking questions, ALOT of questions. I wasnt sure exactly how to answer all of them..but decided going with blunt honest truth. She seemed to accept my answers and we moved onward. Then she went to VBS at Fairplay...which every night she had a laundry list of questions to which I prayed that I would have strength and give her correct answers and guide her down to correct path. She once again seemed content and went on her way. Last week she attended Family Farm which is a christian day camp out by our house. On the last day they had a closing program and I went to watch. As we we're waiting on it to start Kaylees counselor came up and said "Did Kaylee tell you her good news? She was saved today!" I looked at Kaylee and with her big blue eyes that are so innocent said, "I went to the salvation station and asked God into my heart." Let me tell you...there isnt anything in the entire world that could've came outta that kids mouth that would have made me happier than that. Which I will admit I did freak out a tiny bit bc i wanted to make sure she fully understood what she was doing. But after many many conversations, I am confident that Kaylee has accepted Jesus as her Savior. The amount of emotions I have..I cant even put into words. All that worry..all the prayers...everything was worth it bc i know my baby girl knows Jesus. <3

Until you've walked in my shoes...

I often times dont share alot about my own personal life on facebook or my blog. I share alot about my kids and josh and things like that..mostly happy everyday things. But thats not everything about me. Pinterest is my new favorite addiction. I love love love it. I happened to find this picture the other day and it literally made me stop and have a "oh shit" moment. Do Not Judge "You don't know what storm I've asked her to walk thru." -God Wow...i mean this hits right at homeplate for me. I don't share alot bc my past..its well my past. But lets just say (if your not one of my close friends that know what im talking ab) i have lots of demons hiding in my shadows. I try to shoo them away, ignore them, just about everything but sometimes I still have those "days". The days the nightmares come, the panic attacks set it, the memories rehash themselves. Those days...those days I have to fight to get outta bed, to leave the protection of under my husbands arms. Those days it takes everything I have to get thru..and it never fails. Those days..someone is gonna be pissed or annoyed or hurt because maybe I didn't say Hi or seemed upset or didnt smile. This literally hits the nail on the head. Do not Judge...you have no idea the storm she's had to walk thru. <3

7 Years! Say WHAT!?!?!

7 YEARS!!! Kaylee Rayh is going to be 7 years old tomorrow! Say WHAT!?!?!?! This child is literally the smartest most incredible kid. She makes me a better person..she makes me want to be a better person. She has so so much love amd compassion for a child. Her heart is huge and she loves so much. She is so pure and innocent. It makes my heart fill when i think ab it. She is doing so awesome in school and is so so smart. She is the absolute best big sister EVER! Hawk thinks she walks on water and she couldnt love him any more if she tried. I hope she knows how incredible I think she is. I had no concept of true love until I met her. She has taught me unconditional love, patience, how my heart can function outside my body, and she made me a mommy. I thank God every day for giving me such a incredible gift. I am so so thankful He picked me to be her mommy.

a change of perspective

I love both of my children equally. I don't love one more than the other. It is divided completely down the middle, but I do love them differently. Kaylee was and still is the happiest, most easy going, laid back, smart, hilarious most well balanced child probably ever. She everything before she was suppose to. She sat up at 4 months, crawled at 6, walked at 8, and could pretty much hold a full conversation by her 1stb'day. I ws so so proud of her. In fact i didnt think i would ever ever be as in love or as proud of another kid as i was her. She in my mind (well still is) absolutely perfect. Here is a deep down mommy confession :/ when I got pregnant..secretly I was terrified. I just could not wrap my mind around the concept of loving anyone else as much as I loved Kaylee. There's just no way I could. But tthen God gave me this perfect absolutely tiny amazing baby boy who came into this world fighting to be here. And my heart melted. Alot of people domt kw this but I had postpartum depression with Kaylee. I tried to prepare myself as much as I could before Hawkin well as much as you can mentally but if it happens it happens, but i didnt have it the 2nd go around and o truly believe it's bc God knew exactly what i could handle and what i couldnt. I read a blog the other day off the LM page that couldn't sum it up better, it went along the lines of God picked you to be his mom. Because you are the perfect one..he personally picked me to be Hawkins mommy because he knew I would have the strength and will power to do it. Because now, i will never take a step for granted, i will never not be grateful for every breath that boy takes, and even though he's almost 2 and has a total of about 5 words..my heart swells with pride every single times one comes outta his mouth. When he does something I makes me stop and be in awe at how far he's made it. He built a tower of blocks the other day and tears literally came to my eyes.when he smiles and says mama...my heart literally double beats and melts. How hard he's worked to catch up how unbelievable he is. How astounding perfect he is. Both of my kids are absolutely amazing perfect spectacular kids. I love them both so so much but God gave me two very different kids at two very different times in my life and it is amazing how well He knows me. I am thankful for that change in perspective because sometimes we need to be reminded how very lucky we are.

A couple Confessions

Confession-- I expect too much outta myself. This is a ongoing battle within myself. I strive to be a awesome mom, kick ass wife, really loyal and dedicated friend, business woman all while keeping a perfect house and manicured nails. Truthfully I kinda get off on people saying "I just dont kw how she does it all." Confession-- I dont. I dont do it all. My husband and I fight. I adore my children but fail them in more ways than i would like to admit. I forget sometimes to call my friends or even txt them back. I get overwhelmed with my business. My house gets trashed. And my nail lady hates me bc i come in with my nails lookin like a hot mess that she's gotta fix. So even though I love to hear that i "got it all together' it's all a lie. Confession-- i try reallllly realllly hard. Way harder than im suppose to probably..and still dont mange to get it all together sometimes. But i am now trying reallllly realllly hard to be ok with not being perfect and realizing that Maybe the imperfections are really actually the best part of it all.

Baby girl

Kaylee is a spectacular kid. I kw every mom on the planet thinks this..but she really is..seriously. I forget sometimes shes only 6. She is the biggest help with Hawkin. I try to not ask her to do too much for him but she loves him so much. Yesterday when he woke up she got him outta bed, changed his diaper and made him a cup. Never woke me up until he pooped. Lol. She had to have played with him for at least a hour. I asked her why she didnt wake me and she said "because you always have to get up early I wanted you to sleep" <3 wanna talk ab melt your heart! She is always thinking of others and helping them. I love how she prays every day, is thankful for what she has, watches out for her lil brother and loves her family so much. She is excelling in school, absolutely LOVES gymnastics and is incredible at softball. The other night at a game she caught a pop fly, hit a home run, did a double play, scored another run and tagged out 7 people! AMaZiNg!! I have been super worried ab her most of the year bc she really has lost some of the confidence she once had. I think a lil bit of bulling on school, the tractor wreck we had in the fall, maybe adjustment to having a baby brother, my job change...its been a crazy year on her. I think maybe it's starting to come back around. I hope so.I have the crazy mom complex as well. I often worry that we are too hard on her, expect too mu h. I hope not. I hope she always feels loves and knows how much I absolutely adore her. I dont want her to be as insecure as I am and have all the complexes I do. I hope I never put those on her. I pray that she will be a independent, strong, confident, christian woman. I think she will be. But above all she will always be my baby and have her mamas heart.

Feeding Specialist

have been meaning to blog all week. We have been so busy this week it's honestly the first time I've had a chance to update since our appt. Hawkin had a appt with a feeding specialist last friday. We have been waiting on this for a while and I was very anxious to see what they said. We went bc Hawk has lost about 10 lbs since his birthday. He is in the 23% for weight so we really need to work on it. He refuses to eat most anything and lives primarily off if almond milk, waffles, and mum-mums (which are baby rice cakes). He eats some other things too but it comes and goes. I kw most everybody is thinking "when he's hungry, he'll eat". That's what I thought too..until he would go a days without eating. He can take food or leave it. He often gets choked and often chews his food and spits it out. On his birthday he weighed 30.6 lbs, he now hovers around 20ish. We have talked ab things such as pedisure, like a supplement drink but they are all milk or soy based. He is allergic to both. So Dr. Rhodes (our pcp) suggested to see Dr. Watson (feeding specialist). So we went last Friday..i wasnt sure what to expect other than prepare to be there all day. I should have known then I should've taken someone along. Lol our appt was at 1030 and you were suppose to arrive 30 minutes early. So naturally we did. Hawk was already cranky for being in a new place, he's a homebody and doesn't do well out and about. When we got back for the appt Dr. Watson was very nice..a tad bit too cheerful to tell the truth but very nice. Maybe cheerful isnt the correct term..but anyways she was very very excited. So we went thru medical history and a typical day of what Hawkin would eat, mostly waffles mummums and occasional baby food pouch. She put Hawkin in a highchair and fed him a snack to get a idea of how he eats. By this time we were ab 2 hours in and he was done...totally over it. She gave us "homework" which is to make feeding time fun which includes having "feeding time toys" and giving him a toy playing for 20 seconds then taking it away and placing a bite of food on his tray and saying "eat this Hawk" in a stern voice...then after he eats it play again...and you get the point. It is a long exhaustive process. Also to work on moving his tongue from side to side with exercises and to give him hard food such as carrot sticks ot beef jerky to chew on his back teeth to strengthen his jaw muscles. So we have been working on these things. Overall to tell the truth I was pretty disappointed. I didnt expect her to fix him overnight but i was definitely hoping for a lil more than that. We have to start therapy once every two weeks. Hopefully it will get better. He's so tough and is such a fighter. I couldnt be more proud of everything he's overcame. And we will conquer this food battle too! <3

A Bio for Hawkin for the LM page ;)

Meet Hawkin Ellis. He surprised his mommy and daddy by coming almost a month early! He was dx with reflux hours after he was born and had changed formulas twice before even leaving the hospital. Once we were home, it was obvious something was very wrong with our perfect tiny baby boy. After several, and when I say several, I mean almost everyday we went to the doctors office where I insisted there was something wrong. We heard it was his nose was too small because he was early, allergies, and that I worried too much. Finally at his 6 week! Checkup our pediatrician muttered under her breath..larynogomalcia. When I questioned her ab it, she said she would have to research it and make a few calls and would call me back that evening. So I drove home..crying my eyes out and absolutely terrified. As soon as I got home I googled...and googled. Finally found CWL. A absolute God sent. Our pediatrician did call us back that evening and we had our 1st appt with a doctor at Arkansas Children Hospital. 3 days later we saw him. Hawkin has a scope and we were officially dx w moderate LM. He set up a swallow study and told is to wait. Hopefully he would out grow it. Such a unfair prescription...just wait..and pray. He had severe reflux and had tubes in his ears when he was barely 4 months old. He would aspirate his food and had to have thickner in every feeding. He is now 15 months old. And amazing. We are still fighting the food battle. He is allergic to milk and soy. So we are working on that. But he is perfect. He is a fighter. He is his mamas hero.

My love

My husband is probably my favorite person on the planet. We have such a amazing relationship and dynamic. Was it always this way...no..absolutely not. Its hard marriage is hard. But we make it work. Something we are constantly working on is our parenting. Being a parent is the hardest job ever...like seriously...it's constant..never ending...but the best thing you've ever done. Josh is a amazing dad. Does he mess up..yes. but so do I. But even though he might not always make the same choice I would he is still amazing. Our kids run and jump in his arms when he gets home. He sacrifices for us so much..he works constantly sometimes 16+17 hour days. I had less than a great dad to say the least. Kaylee will always know how much he adores her. That she is amazing to him. He teaches her how a husband is suppose to be. He will teach Hawkin the same when the time comes. He is constantly trying to be a better dad and I don't tell him enough how awesome he is. We have been together 10 years next week...wow. it doesn't seem that long ago. Josh has been there for me thru so many things it's insane. He is the first and only man that has ever proven his love to me. He believes in me. He has never left me or doubted me even when I thought he would. He has stayed thru things that other men would say are deal breakers. He holds me when I have nightmares. Comforts me when I cry. Gives me my way when I pout. Believes in me when I don't believe in myself. Calms my fears. Makes me laugh daily. Waited patiently ten years for me to marry him. He is my rock. My constant. My heart.